My newest e-book is being proofed this week! It's called "101 Stories to Make You Laugh, Cry and Think". Look for it this month!
 

 Road Improvements  

 
“The Women From Venus That Defend Their Cavemen”
By Mark Matteson

I have been married to the same woman for 25 years. I married UP. As Matt Peterson says, “I out punted the coverage.” She finishes my sentences. She knows what I am thinking. I don’t have a clue. She is from Venus, I’m a Martian. (Yes I read the book along with 2,000,000 other men.)

We recently went to see “Defending the Caveman” in Seattle at the Act Theatre. It was sold out. There were 200 people there to see the longest running one-man play in Broadway History. It was excellent. Here are my notes…

“Women use over 7,000 words a day, Men 2,000.” This explains a great deal. At the end of the day when Debbie asks me how my day was, I say “Good.” That’s it. I am out of words. She wants to process, she wants feelings, she wants details. “Can’t” (out of words!) If I tell her I saw a mutual friend, she asks me 199 questions about all the details of his life the last 5 years. I say, “He’s still driving the same ole piece of crap car.”
After that, I say, “I don’t know, it didn’t come up!” (He and I were out of words for the day!)

The first time I saw my wife really cleaning the bathroom with vigor, I asked, “Are we moving?” She says, “I thought you said you cleaned the bathroom?” “I did!” I say defensively. She says, “How did you get to age 25 and not know how to clean a bathroom?” I explain about my old roommates. I was the cleanest cat in the crib. The bar was really low. After all these years, she is still under the misapprehension that if I see her cleaning, it’s a hint for me to join in….Nope! Martians NEVER clean the house when the NBA playoffs are on TNT.

When we are at a party and the potato chip bowl is empty, all five of her girlfriends jump up at once to refill it in the kitchen. It’s a group project, the spirit of co-operation. You see, the Venetians are GATHERERS! Martians are NEGOTIATORS. When we realize the chip bowl is empty “I brought the chips,” Martian #1 says. “It’s my bowl,” says Martian #2. “I carried them from the car!” Martian #3 pipes in. “I ate em…” Martian #4 loses. He has to refill the bowl…we all laugh at him. Loser!

The home is an extension of the Venetian’s personality. This explains a great deal. Like why we have towels I am not allowed to use. For twenty five years, they have been for decoration. So what have I done with my wet hands all this time in THAT bathroom? Wipe my hands on my shirt! This extension-of-her-personality idea is also why I never have a say in any of the furniture in the home. It further explains why my book shelves made of cinder blocks and planks were one of the first things to go when we got married. Next was the coffee table I made in wood shop (you know the one, spots burned on it with a propane torch and then laminated).

Finally on driving, she will say to me, “Why don’t you let him in?” Answer? “He cut me off five miles back.” I no sooner say that and he does it again….then he speeds off. I honk, give him a half a peace sign and then exclaim, “I gonna get him!” I step on the gas…The Venetian Queen asks softly, “What are you going to do when you catch him?” I give her the furrowed brow. “I haven’t thought that far ahead!” I think to myself.

Read the book or go see the play. Take your wife or girlfriend. She will be laughing at you and all the other Martians in the room for two hours. She will ask you how you FELT about it? You can tell her, “Good”. She will know you are out of words. Besides, if we hurry home we can catch the fourth quarter of the game…

 

 So that's where that came from!

"Sleep Tight" - There are a couple of ideas on this origin. One is that people used to sleep on bed frames that had a criss-cross pattern of rope to create the frame. Most believe that the old saying is just another phrase for "sleep well". I guess others might believe that some people turn to drugs (legal) or alcohol to "sleep tight". Oh the "and don't let the bed bugs bite" is a recent addition (<100 years).

 One for the road

This months best read is "You Can't Fire Me, I'm Your father" by Neil N. Koenig Ph.D. This is one those books with a lot of bonuses. It's not just about family and it's not just about business. It's a great guide for all businesses and life.

You'll find it here: click here

 

  Watch "The Road" Buddy!

Have you seen the Matteson Avenue Site Map page?

How are your new goals this year coming?

Listen to the Girl Scout Cookie Story this month.

Laugh more this year.

Learn more this year by reading a book a month on the Reading List

Leave a legacy this year - Freedom From Fear Forever has a great message!

 

 The Boulevard

PLANNING ON KEEPING YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS? According to Purdue University, and most experts, it’s not only important to have written goals, but you must have a plan to reach your goals.

Goals 2006 is the complete program to help you "create a life on purpose." Will 2006 be just another ho-hum year that started with good intentions? Or will it be YOUR Year! Your year to lose that weight you're tired of carrying...start that business you've been talking about...get out of debt for good. Are you tired of being stuck in the same gear?

Go see why one program graduate, Lucy O. said, "Breaking through, or at least finally recognizing, what my barrier is with writing goals, is a MAJOR accomplishment - one I've been trying to find for over 15 years! And I finally got it - I GOT IT!" Click Here

 The Wire's Conduit

This months Wire tip is about protection. No - not that kind! It's about the three important tools you need to protect you computer(s). They are Virus Protection, A firewall and Spyware Protection. (backing up your files goes without saying!!!?)

Virus protection is very common these days but you would surprised how many don't use or don't keep it up to date.  Yeah I know it costs at least $30 a year to keep it up to date but ask yourself how much of your computer data you can afford to loose.

A firewall is just as important these days because the bad guys are using every opportunity to try and get into unprotected networks. Firewalls can keep the bad guys out by blocking certain connections or ports on your network. Did you know that there are over 65,000 ports available per connection. A common port is port 80 for web browsing. Email uses ports 20 and 110. Firewalls can be software based or hardware based. Most cable modems and DSL routers have firewalls built in (but not all). If you use a dialup connection it's not as big a deal, but do you want to depend on your ISP for protection?

Spyware protection is just as important as the other two these. Say that you or your kids browse to a fr*ee game site. Cool - look at those games! You start playing them while behind the scenes, a spyware program has been loading onto your computer. This stealth program starting logging everything you do and every place you go online. You say that all you do use a Napster type (fr*ee) file sharing program? Well you've got spyware on your computer. Little Sally likes to visit a kids game site? You probably have it too. There are over 40,000 spyware programs out there. Now you may not have anything valuable on your PC but these spyware programs will slow your PC to a crawl. Some of these are really nasty and can considerable effort to remove.

You can deal with these nasties with one program or use a different program to protect from each. I prefer to deal with them "ala-carte" but depending on the persons technical savvy I usually recommend they get an all-in-one product like Norton or McAfee. (There are others too).

Questions? email Kevin at kevin@mattesonavenue.com Have a web site? Need a web site? Need an update? Need an E-zine? Ask about our package plans. Ask about my fr*ee analysis for your site.

 

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